rozmyslam ze preco mam tu zvlastnu kapacitu zahlbovat sa do seba
blizki ludia od ktorych by som ocakaval podobne akoby nemali taku obsesiu rozmyslat a citit nahlas

napadlo ma ci to nesuvisi nejak s jednou mojou zvlastnou vlastnostou
ze mne je uplne ukradnute ci niekto z mojho okolia zomrie, nepohne to mnou
mam pocit, ze keby tu emociu straty precitim tak by ma to zabilo
takze mam tu emociu totalne zablokovanu, proste, mam v pici, vsetci mozu zomriet, co ja s tym, mna sa to netyka

ok, su dve osoby, ktorych smrt by som bral v podstate ako smrt seba, a to je asi zase prehnane, a asi by som sa odosobnil, vypol, utiekol, nedokazem zvladnut ten pocit, uplne zufalstvo z toho ide (btw, nikto mi nikdy nezomrel, jedine tak morske prasce ked som mal asi 12 rokov, a to som sa dost naplakal, ale to bolo ine, netusim s cim to suvisi, a ani si nepamatam ze by som niekedy pocitoval ten druh smutku u ludi)

anyway, googlil som nejake materialy ohladom 'blocked grief', a nasiel som zaujimavy clanok:

In August of this year, I realized that with every passing moment I was getting more and more angry. I released it on other drivers and anyone who made the mistake of being in my vicinity. As I became more aware of it taking over me, I decided to ask my counselor, who helped me through a divorce several years ago, why I was angry. She smiled and asked me if anything was off-limits. Confused and exhausted, I said "No, you can ask me anything." She smiled gently and asked, "Paul, tell me about your sister Beth." After ten or twelve minutes of uncontrollable crying, I was able to respond with "What was that?" and she told me that it was over forty years of blocked grief. She suggested I take some time off, get some exercise, stay hydrated, and let the grief flow.