BSD

Dear Rabbi

This is Michal Lieskovec, in our sms communication I have mentioned sending you a brief summary of how things are. Here it is.

Reflecting current state of affairs (applicable for the author)

How does one most pithily define 'abstract surreal dadaism'?
Firstly, this invention of míne still bears no fruits to this dáte even though we have set Up a publishing house by the name tiferet.. Secondly, being creative as so to say, brings me away from Torah studies n giyur preparation, disregard currently counting on you being my sponsoring Rabbi. For now, the only assigned dutý is still in progress.

What is it at best that one reads this chapter?
In German it might resemble to…

Wie mann loest dieses Artikel am besten?
Beirut, likesay…
(Here you have been introduced to abstrakt surreal dadaism.)

I should have told you the jokes of my own making are either pretty stale or have been repeated since Nimrod ruled over a significant portion of land. And again, we are trying to impress with unusual knowledge of facts, are we…

So for starters, let us say something on what bothers me, troubles me, pisses me off and perhaps even startles me. Recently, I have been hospitalised within the premises of mental asylum, yes, you guess right, it was one of the Slovak faciliies which are currently reaping the very late fruits of 30 year lasting embezzlement, ongoing braindrain, accompanied by our passive standing by and silent nodding to gradual destruction of Slovakia's health system. The main reason for being hospitalised was not surprising, I overdosed. It triggered a strong manic epizóde where I was not able to follow my crooked version of reality anymore, so I decided to call myself an ambulance. Soon after I was starting to get back in the regular shape, I realised that one of my facets is and unfortunately always will be an F25.3 diagnosed patient struggling to keep clean in perhaps poorest neighbourhood in Bratislava. Which environment to place oneself into, under such conditions? My favourite Slovak writer, late Peter Pistanek has expressed a similar pattern on the character of Martin Junec, a Slovak who is múch better off when not in his home country. The reasons may vary, first despite being members of Western organisations such sa European Union, we can still be characterised as Ostblok and the rules of the game are not always either followed or conceived in a fair play manner. Plus all the little noise that can be best silenced by Slav looking pack of goons. I also got a warning when gone too curious among local lumpenproletariat, just before the hospitalisation, the memories are blurry though. Very funny is the prevalence of expats among Slovak baalei n baalot teshuva. Have noticed.
Next sector of our society here in Slovakia that went from world's number one down the f-word toilet is… educational system. I still occasionaly daydream, even in secular realm that I could enrol for managerial mathematics down at good ol' MatFyz (Faculty of Mathematics, Physics and IT - Commenius Univerzity) or even go for a backup option, aplikovaná ekonómia/applied economics at FSEV UK. (Social n economic sciences, same univerzity). The unfinished higher education still represents a major failure in my life for me n others, given my previous student curriculum. On a bright day, I let myself entertain with a thought that I am given trust and with some tears shed, I have been offered a second chance, in some unknown, obscure Yeshiva University where I cling myself firmly to an area of study that mesmerises me the most. Is it Midrashim or Kaballah? None of them, in the future on repeat, I am taken hostage in endless world of Gematriah.
Ani po vaani lomed tora talmud vematematika. Aside I might benefit and still develop my talent for languages, who knows, it is not impossible to even persuade someone to study with me Serbocroatian or Bosnian as a new addition to world speeches is known. It is regarded with contempt and disdain if I mention that the most attractive language is not my mother tongue but rather one of these three. But this level is on the I level.
Let us delve now into the parental duty that is hidden under the carpet (based on my age, my ongoing intention to convert to judaism leaving me unfitting material to mate due to mental illness, lastly I also listen to innate urges and ponder my future role of a parent with awe). So the potential difficulty is represented by lack of Jewish schools in Bratislava. Do I want to mix the following relay point in the chain that I have dilligently imposed on myself? Yep, I refer to passing down of Jewish tradition. Who cares now that I have not been raised in that environment? The studied element of our family has been lowered by a generation. All the secular influences, all the temptations, whether impersonated by people, some tactile tendencies that lure you into going off the derech or some other abstract concepts, fads n tendencies which try to steal yours and your family's attention from the things that are kadosh, that are important and persistent. The struggle seem to be ongoing, why to forfeit without fight, why to adopt the behavioral manners which have been quitted so long ago? Therefore to position oneself in proximity of decent Jewish schools and educational institutions is advised.
Torah teaches us not to hate. I do hate, two things known to me I do hate. Number one - crystal meth. I hate that substance so much, I cannot even express the resentment and hatred in words. Second incident - me living in my homeland. I purely cannot stand myself, living here, being still in contact.with the rhythm, rules and philosophies of my previous life. I change only slowly, with great difficulty, without any support from the fanbase. Next puzzle however, is kind of delicate one.
The mental health of my mom has deteriorated in a very dramatic way in space of last twelve months. It was precisely after last year's Tu BiShvat where she got down with anxiety-depressive episode and I had to také care of her. By no means do I look upon her as an unwanted burden, yet the Yiddishe infrastructure is here lacking. In the space of Earth finishing one complete rotation around Sun, my mom had to face the lows brought up by our family hereditory disease, the schizoaffective disorder. I feel that as a son, I am of good support. Strangely, this caretaker duty is very tiring, sometimes I also purely stay in bed, for days even n avoid company or any occupation ať all. The social security system in Slovakia is a bad joke, the state institutions representing an obstacle that cannot be won by any means unless you have a background of dealing with likewise bureacracy. Me not, my apologies. I struggle to bring the daily bread ever since I can remember. Ever since I can remember on a timeline with a tag "I had a nice talk with that brunette, #tenkouakoprút, on the kashrut products when her family n her were on their way to former Yugoslavia." Yugo - the nicest language, Remember?
Oh I forget. Someone appeared in my world a bit out of sequence. Who knows, She might be eventually my Bashert. I mean, who knows ať this point of my life story…Well first, when she cloaks that I am a manic malconent clown, she might just excuse herself and politely moves a few metres away letting me know that I am not of her most desired sort…
Secondly, since I last saw her, it mušt have been how long, six months or so? More or lesa. Who knows, She might have mét someone. She might have mét her ziguv and they made it happen.
Who knows…
Well, things are like these, on several occasions, I have been in presence of this madam, most of the moments even without knowing that we are next to each other, I do not know much how she looks and it always left some unusual mark. Please read on.
The first moment I noticed her, my thoughts were "hey there is actually someone who can dress properly here in Kehilat Shel Bratislava" where I briefly worked and I did not say it from the perspektíve that my mom's profession before going fulltime on disability allowance was costume designer, it is due to tzniut being the mitzvah that I have set as the one that I will follow and uphold most carefully, a step taken up after my switch from having Rabbi Kapustin, a bright exception - the only one - in the world of reform judaism and switching temporatily to Rebbe Myers as a sponzoring rabbi. I have acted with utmost care not to jeopardize her modesty, avoiding the stare gaze as stated in Pirkei Avos, greatly manifested by a similitude between Reuben - Bilha seclusion which triggered unwanted conlusions and the moment when I ended on my own with that unexpected guest, the main character of that Friday's spectacle in kosher restaurant. For me, seeing that the window that is letting the light in the kosher shop, seeing that it is not covered therefore anyone can see inside plus the blinds which enabled her mom to oversee any potential screwups, well the tzniyut of such a highly valued guest was intact. And the new fact from the kosher world that I had learnt two days prior to this encounter, bishul yisroel, a two word exclusive tag came in hand. And who knows, even though I was initially angered that the onion jám was missing from the French imported aisle, which I so fervently looked for and even revealed that I speak one of the Fremdsprachen, they noticed and to me, for the first tíme after 25 years of learning French, I pondered an eventuality that speaking francais can even have some benefits. In addition, I said to myself, what kind of scran do the rich pricks spoil themselves with on their holiday trip, an event lacking in my world since 2006.
In that summer I mét a young Israeli by the name Yael. G-d's favourite game of parrables, isnt it odd that Yael / Mountain goat is a Slovak national symbol? No worries, we were on shomrim negiah terms, we did nôt even date.
So on occasion, I fantasize about having a life partner who serves as a sane backbone of our newly created family. Not too much though, still one is entitled to have daydreams.
Since Rosh HaShannah Taf Shin Pey Beit when I ammounted for messing up community's festive meal, I struggle to keep a job on top of everything. This has been my pesimistic, critical point of view. Please note that when I cut ties or do not keep in touch with someone I have known, I see it in a positive manner. I have been informing people about my intentions to relocate to Wien, with hardly any vocal support. I know on a cognitive level that every moment, every situation, every hurdle is there for my own benefit and in the medium to long term, this is just a harbringer for the next stage, B"H another také on conversion process will follow soon and then subsequent new era of my life.
Please be informed that today I will be going to hospital with mild depression, as advised by my psychiatrist. This might speed Up the disability allowance application. I will let you know as soon as I am released and have some relevant information.
I will end this email by stating that I am motivated to become one of Am Yisrael as ever before, I am just not ready yet to start the giyur anew at this moment. By my own calculation, Pesach is the auspicious tíme to leave one's own Mitzrayim. Got to get more prepared in the meantime.

Dear HaRav, be of good health, be positive, behatzlachah rabbah with your kashrut activities.

Kol tuv

Michal Lieskovec, ger from Bratislava