Given the fact that gerim must not observe shabbat, we must break it at least one one occassion. This explains why I still do not refrain from smoking on Saturday. On my way home from prayer service I passed two banks. That is where I am heading at this moment. I do not seek company, neither male nor female. My mobile phone was left home, I did not forget to take it as I forget almost everything people tell me, no matter how dear they are to me. It must be awkward or even painful to repeat the same thing for the third time. Deeply sorry and most grateful for refreshing my damaged memory. Going the slowest of the tempo I could deploy, I choose to get closer to a piece of wood on which I will dwell for the next 53 minutes or so. I light up a Winston ciggy and place my buttocks on the mustard sandwich. Pity, but it might have been one with Nutella. I retain my grin. I avoid the stares of passers-by. You do not have to say that I am shy, timid if You want and if I try to break this routine and put on a self-assured mask, the result is more or less clownesque. I forgot, You have already noticed…

The very same evening this did not happen I decided to ponder the question of inner peace. I seem to be losing it. The initial insatuation is fading away therefore the sleep is getting better. More on this later. People in my environment are not getting on my nerves, still I do not connect to anyone. I no longer fake interest, kindness and generosity it became my second nature. And I am sticking to this. But the word shalom can refer only to relations with the outside world. On the inside, a fierce struggle is taking place. A minor ceasefire is reached when praying and studying. Words of wisdom, repentance and supplications addressed to the Creator bring temporary calmness. Apart from those moments, I am very feeble to react to the tests He prepares for me. So let me delve into…

A hobo sits right next to me. I keep gazing on the small rock that is lying on the ground, waiting to be kicked away to the grass.

-Alright, pal? He fishes out a lighter and helps himself to a cigarette from my pack.

Me-There we go, I say sarcastically.

-You know, it is funny how far some people are willing to go to achieve what they believe is good for them.

Me-Yeah, yeah, yeah, sir, why don’t you keep on walking past this alley, there is a nice tavern at the end of it.

-I know of that tavern. Right now, I am needed here.

Me-Sure, whatever…

-They turn themselves outside in. They put on themselves every glittering star just to shine.

Me-What you mean by that?

I have to admit he caught my attention instantly.

-They forget who they are just for the sake of a vision they once in the long gone past had. They deny their own feelings and beliefs just to impress.

Me- Excuse me?

-I think I made myself clear. Fifteen year old would have understood by now...

Me-Sir I think you are crossing a line here…

-All I am saying is that some pussies should face their demons while they are getting their chances. Otherwise it might be well damn late.

Me-You should know better than to mess with those chemicals, trust me, I know what I am saying…

-If you decline my helping helping hand, then help yourself, you faggot!

And he staggers in different direction than towards the nice tavern. I am left speechless, of course I could not return to thinking over how to deal with my life. I just sat on that bench for another 4 cigarettes and then went home to watch Netflix. Which I never do but this never happened so you know, next time you meet someone that might eventually enrich your life, bring some clarity no matter how run-down they appear to you, play dumb, just like I do all the time…