vzhladom na to, ze sa teraz v seminari venujeme transferencii, odkladam sem tento prihodny post z redditu, na jeho nasledne osvetlenie co sa tam v skutku deje z pohladu lacanovskej analyzy, ci je ten postup dobry atd

Looking for some insight into what It means that I evoked jealousy in my therapist (T).

(I feel some of how my therapy is failing rn is that I’m more concerned about his reactions and responses than of my own — useful for me to note)

I was isolated from society and had basically given up in the world and my life. I stumbled on my T last year. Three months in I noticed that I felt like I was in love with him (what you all call transference to make it sound less threatening I guess...). Anyway, earlier this year I got back into the swing of things. I got a job and very soon all the love I felt for my therapist found a home in a coworker. I matched with my coworker on Tinder (which evoked some sort of reflexive exclamation from my therapist). I guess from there I knew that my T was going to be a little more involved in this than I expected, but probably as much as I wanted him to be. As I described my feelings for my coworker to my T, there was another motive — to make my T jealous. Well I told my T about my coworker’s sexually uninhibited Tinder profile and he was highly critical of the coworker. I knew something was amiss, and had a few ideas about what it could mean.

Next session I told him I couldn’t make sense of his reactions. He surprised me by telling me that my top theory was correct: He was jealous that my feelings had “transferred” to someone new. It didn’t seem like a big thing. He said it nonchalantly. But for me, well for me my feelings for him resurfaced and were even more full-blown.

I told him he needed to tell me why he revealed that to me. He replied that he wanted to be honest about what he was feeling at that time (I think he said at that time, and thinking about it now, it makes me think the feelings were limited to that moment I guess???). I also think he was trying to show me that feelings, jealousy or not, don’t have to turn into the monstrosities that they do with me; they can be manageable. But then it made me think, fuck, have I just been feeding his ego? Does this even have anything to do with me? I wanted to make him jealous, but I wanted it to be rooted in feelings for me. And now that I have the jealousy and I don’t know that it was rooted in real feelings, I feel so hungry for more.

He and I have this as a topic to be continued in next session but I feel so obsessed about it and would really appreciate some insight.

I need to admit to my T that I want to seduce him, ambivalently yet fervently. I don’t know that I would actually take any action but I have lots of fantasies about it. I find them soothing. But then being there once a week is jarring, just because of the sharp contrast to my fantasies, in which I’m completely uninhibited and free by the idea of having sex with him. Maybe that’s the allure of the sexual acts? I don’t have to be bound by words, terrible things they can be. I really do wish he would fuck my brains. Or just hold me.

I think I have no idea of what the difference is between love and sex, or maybe I don’t know whether they are compatible.

Something something projective identification???