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Codependence

Codependence is a disease of lost selfhood.

We become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to our [automatic impulsive] ego (our false self) and to other people.

When we focus so much outside ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: our beliefs, thoughts, feelings.
These and more are part of an exquisite feedback system that we call our inner life. Our inner life us a major part of our consciousness And our consciousness is who we are: our True Self.

Codependence is the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We believe that something outside of ourselves — that is, outside of our True Self — can give us happiness and fulfillment. The "elsewhere" may be people, places, things, behaviors or experiences. Whatever it is, we may neglect our own selves for it.

Self-neglect alone is no fun, so we must get a payoff of some sort from focusing outward. The payoff is usually a reduction in painful feelings or temporary increase in joyful feelings. But this feeling or mood alteration is predicated principally upon something or someone else, and not on our own authentic wants and needs.

The remedy sounds simple: We need a healthy balance of awareness of our inner life and our outer life. But such a healthy balance does not come automatically, especially in a world where nearly everyone is acting co-dependently most of the time.

In fact, we learn to be co-dependent form others around us. It is in this sense not only an addiction but a contagious or acquired illness.

The addiction, compulsion or disorder becomes the erroneous notion that something outside ourself can make us happy and fulfilled.

Codependence is also a mode of surviving what may feel like an overwhelming situation — trying to grow up in an unsafe and mistreating family and environment. Finally, Codependence is not who we really are, it is not our permanent identity. It is only an interim label, a temporary identification, a term that we can use to help us describe the truth of what really happened, what we really experienced and what we may still be experiencing.

We develop Codependence unconsciously and involuntarily. In its primary form, it begins with mistreatment or abuse to a vulnerable and innocent child by its environment, especially its family of origin, and later by its culture or society.


The Process of Wounding
1. Wounded themselves, the child's parents feel inadequate, bad and unfulfilled.
2. They project those charged feelings onto others, especially onto their spouse and their vulnerable children. They may also project grandiosity. They look outside themselves to feel whole.
3. In a need to stabilize the parent and to survive, the child denies that the parents are inadequate and bad, and internalize (takes in, introjects, accepts) the parents' projected inadequacy and badness, plus a common fantasy: "If I'm really good and perfect, they will love me, and they won't reject or abandon me." The child idealizes the parents.
4. Because of the above, the child's vulnerable True Self (lost heart of the self, libidinal ego) is wounded so often that to protect its True Self, it defensively submerges ("splits off") itself deep within the unconscious part of its psyche. The child goes into hiding,
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7. The more self-destructive messages are deposited more often in the false self ( which has also been called internal saboteur, anti-libidinal ego, negative ego, or the internalized or introjected, rejecting, or otherwise mistreating parent.
8. A tension builds: The True Self strives to come alive and to evolve. At the same time, the negative ego (the most destructive aspects of the false self) attacks the True Self, thus forcing it to stay submerged, keeping self-esteem low. The Child's grieving of its losses and traumas is not supported. The resulting "psychopathology" or "lesion" has been called a schizoid compromise, multiplicity of repressed egos, and a splitting off of the true self. The outcome can be a developmental delay, arrest, or failure.
9. Some results include chronic emptiness, sadness and confusion, and often periodic explosions of self-destructive and other-destructive behavior — both impulsive and compulsive — that allows release of tension and a glimpse of the True Self.
10. The consequence of the continued emptiness or repeated destructive behavior keep the True Self stifled or submerged. The person maintains a low self-esteem and remains unhappy, yet wishes and seeks fulfillment. Compulsions and addictions ("repetitive compulsions") can provide only temporary release, can lead to more suffering and ultimately block fulfillment and serenity.

Recovery and growth involves discovering and gently unearthing the True Self (Child Within) so that it can exist and express itself in a healthy way, day to day.

Such self discovery and recovery is most effectively accomplished gradually and in the presence of safe , compassionate, skilled and supportive people.


Personality Components and Roles
- Rescuers and fixers try to rescue, fix or help others while neglecting themselves. They lose their identity in others.
- People Pleasers have unhealthy boundaries and limits. They would rather acquiesce and comply with others than express their own healthy wants and needs.
- Overachievers feel empty from the loss of their True Self, and try to fill the emptiness with achievements. But, because the emptiness was not due to lack of achievement, it tends not to be relieved for very long with each achievement
- Failures feel as empty as their seeming opposite, the over achievers. Failures have low self-esteem and a recurring feeling of shame. They feel imperfect, incomplete, inadequate, not good enough, bad, rotten, and flawed at their core.
- Perfectionists are driven by fear of failure and the need to avoid being wrong or making any mistakes. They can drive themselves and those around them nearly crazy in the attempt.