I asked B today on the way back in the car how all the rules at her house made her feel. She said they make her feel anxious and untrusted , that her mother tells her she is a good kid and then makes all kinds of rules and that makes her feel like her mother is lying. Then I asked her about the rules at my house....she said well the rules at your house make sense, they are rules that make everyone feel safe, protected and trusted. We have very few rules and mostly they are rules of consideration and rules of safety (like if you light a candle it should be resting on something inflammable like a saucer or candle holder.... my friend's rule would be don't light candles).

Anyway I thought that was really interesting since so many people say kids need rules they like rules etc.

For years I have heard if kids don't have rules and limits they are unhappy. What I have seen proved to me over and over is that if kids are given arbitrary rules they feel untrusted ! Now I have proof directly from the mouth of a child who lives her life bound by rules all made by other people. Interestingly enough she lives with a step sister (same age) that sneaks, lies, cheats, breaks rules, skips school, runs away, has been asked to leave two schools, and so on.... the parents' answer to her behavior is to make more rules! UGH!

It just seems to me that if we give kids so many rules about sleeping, eating, behaving and everything else how will they ever learn to make their own decisions? How can these people expect their kids to make good choices in life if they are constantly making rules that say clearly "you are not trusted to make the right choice" ???