Bad, To Worse, To Absolutely Hilarious



It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new low - it can only be Newcastle...

Newcastle manager Alan Shearer rues another missed chance during the game against Portsmouth


Who is Paul Hart? Nobody really seems to know. Half the time, his name is greeted with laughter. But let's think about this a little more for a moment.

He's only lost twice since taking over as Portsmouth boss - to Chelsea and Man United - and as things stand, his Portsmouth side are seven points clear of the drop zone with four games to go. Not bad.

And yesterday, in what was a 90-minute festival of losing possession and wasting chances, they completely outclassed Newcastle, despite the game ending a goalless draw.

How bad are you when not even a magnificent crowd and undisputed club legend can inspire you into at least some kind of half-hearted belief that you're a decent football team?

When the ref is doing his best to help you out, turning away from a stonewall penalty; when an innocuous header almost became one of the softest goals of the season but for the woodwork; when, at the death of a must-win encounter against a team with no more talent than your own, you're reduced to playing in your own half?

The Magpies are now three points adrift of the safety zone with four games left to play. "I don't know what will be enough to stay up," shrugged Shearer after the game, quite clearly blown away by his side's quite frankly inconceivable lack of ability to do anything right.

Fans who had sung their lungs out were leaving in their dozens way before full-time. It was ugly. And trust me, Shearer, with Ian Dowie as his assistant, knows ugly.

Gazza, watching on from a private box, turned his back on the game. This, a man who has just rekindled his love affair with football. He couldn't watch, it was that bad. But then again, he may just have been a little disoriented. Awaiting confirmation on that one.

This is beyond being Shearer's problem. As foolishly romantic as he may have been to even take the helm of this post-Iceberg and far-less-impressive-looking Titanic of a football club, he was at least smart enough to stick himself in a get-out clause.

If they go down - maybe when they go down - he'll be back on Match of the Day faster than Mike Ashley can Google 'Newcastle legends' when he goes looking for another successor.

Sulmaan Ahmad, Goal.com