Chuck N. past,present and future :: six billion people can be wrong

the spirit of Chuck
Zly POLIS - ZLYPO

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

35 AD - The original Jesus dies. "DAD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? BOO-HOO, IM A BIG WET VAGINA."

36-1939 AD - Nothing really happens.

March 10th, 1940 - 12:05 AM - Chuck Norris is born on Christmas day (March 10th, 1940) in a Ryan, Oklahoma manger to a virgin mother. The old Christmas, December 25, is never celebrated again.

March 10th, 1940 - 12:06 AM - Norris' legendary beard/mustashe combo already surpases that of his father.

March 11th, 1940- The Three Wise Men visit the manger - Norris' first words: "I don't need your charity you pinko-commie bastards."

1941- His first round house kick fells rival baby at day care. That baby grows up to be impotent.

1944 - as a toddler Chuck first exhibits his supernatural powers by lifting a fallen tractor off his virgin father

1947- Does his first rep on the Total Gym JR ™ .

1948 - at age 8 chuck is the youngest Jesus to ever earn his level one black belt (the previous youngest, at age 12, was Funk K. Jesus)

1953 - earns level 15 black belt by kicking his instructor's head off

1955 - eats a whole pizza pie in one sitting

1957 - at age 17, Chuck enters rebelious teenage period of his life. Indulges in drunken all-night karate show-downs and pulls a still beating heart from one opponent's chest

1958 - in a drunken rage, he digs up the first Jesus' grave and kicks the shit out of his ancient bones

1959 - Performs his first of many miracles - turns own urine into beer; drinking buddies (George Bush Jr.) delighted

1963 - turns Japanese (then quickly back)

1969 - lands on the moon ahead of Neil Armstrong to assure his safety

1970 - frees every American prisoner of war from Vietnam under the codename "Braddock"

1975 - busts all the ghosts at Studio 54 and stays on to dance with the ladies

1980- Pontious Jimmy Carter tries to crucify Norris. Noris doesn't use any of that "why have thou forsaken me?" bullcrap; instead he quickly roundhouses Carter out of a second term.

1981- Chuck rejoices, with the world, at the birth of a child. A child named Snuggles...

1985 - After seeing a vision from God (Val Kilmer as "Iceman" in Top Gun) Chuck Norris enters his infamous flat top period

1989 - Berlin wall comes down. Soviet soldier's first sight of West Berlin: Chuck Norris with a hard look on his face. God-less communists quickly crumble due to fear.

1991- kicks the shit out of drugs

1993 - makes cinematic history with the masterpiece "Forest Warrior"

1994 - unleashes a fury of round houses so rapidly that he travels back in time

1995 - marries some ho

1999 - punches through a brick wall and dodges a full clip of bullets

Sept 11, 2001 - has one long, continous orgasm... all day

2003 - resolves U.S- Iraq war by beating up all the cock-gobbling protestors on the home front

Future (as predicted by scripture) -

2007 - brings about world peace (finally) - also, permanently gets rid of drugs

2011 - Single handedly puts down the robot uprising. Terminator scenario averted.

2013 - (August)- Cruscified, rises, blah blah blah...

2013 - (Sept) - Ascends into heaven - seated at the right hand side of God (the old Jesus is demoted).

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

http://www.chuckynorris.com/

alebo Wolkr Tex rejndzr

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