behind closed eyelids
in very many cases the visionary quality,
the quality of the vision,
so to say spills over into the external world,
so that the experiencer,
when he opens his eyes, sees the outer world transfigured...

11:20pm @ dayne's house:
me: so alex, you want to eat the shrooms?
alex: nah, i don't know... probably..... actually, i can't.
me [already eaten 1/8th]: oh well. this is gonna be good.

11:40pm: i finished the 2/8th; dayne's asleep -- walking home.

11:50pm: a little buzz starting -- i feel warm, but it's really cold outside; i decided to turn around and walk back to dayne's to see if somebody could give me a ride home. josh did.

12:05am: turning on my computer
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Psychedelia 1.0.4 / dmt.salvinorin.bsd
login:
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and listening to shulman -- in search of a meaningful moment.

12:07am: thinking about savannah; feeling a strong need to see her picture, but typing feels so weird;
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t0m1k@dmt [~]$ xv img/savannah/*.jpg &
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12:??am -- laying on my bed, listening to music. i'm thirsty -- grabbing a glass of orange juice from downstairs -- drinking -- everything feels so weird -- lauging and crying..... i have to turn off the light...

at this point i started falling asleep and as soon as i closed my eyes divine colorful fractals formed out of blue-violet-red dots, everything feels so liquid -like. from this moment on, not only i didn't know what time it was, but i didn't know THAT there WAS time...

staring into darkness...
talking:
-what am i doing?
-what is happening?
-what is happening?
-what is happening to me?
-there is a creator
-he is here
-he? could it be she instead?
-he? she? sex?
-no
-what if?
-what is happening?
-god is here -- he is here! with me!
-i want to know!
-i want to know more!
-i can't believe this
-how is this possible
-what is happening?

i don't know whether i was actually talking or whether i was just thinking about talking.

-i'm dieing
-awareness
-i don't know anything.

[moment of enlightenment]
i felt as if i understood everything -- the universe, god, death, afterlife... starting to be a little scared -- i know everything -> that means i can't go back to "that" world, coz "they" (who? i don't know) wouldn't let me -- i know too much -- i think i'm dieing.

i wasn't scared of death, in fact -- i wanted to die. coz i realized that there's a whole lot more of knowledge / awareness waiting for me after i die.

[talking again]
-am i dead?
-is this how dead people feel?
-who am i?
-who am i?
-who am i?
-i?
-what is "i"?
-where is it?
-WHAT IS IT?

at this point i totally lost the perception of "myself" -- i forgot about "me", my friends -- i was one with god and awareness...

4:45am: [maybe -- i don't know if i remember correctly] -- i love savannah, i love everybody, i LOVE everybody, but especially savannah -- she's the best thing that had ever happened to me!

5:20am: am i going crazy? [i was seriously freaking out] and i didn't know what was going on -- went to the bathroom, washed my face and went to bed again -- fell asleep and woke up this morning at 11:00am and now i'm sitting here...

conclusion:
i almost had a bad trip (some unpleasant feelings). it was intense. i think it was the deepest spiritual experience i've ever had. strong. enlightening. i won't do shrooms for a while now, but i'll most definitely do them again in a few months...

i feel like a good person.